En Sabath Nur 2

2007-03-16T21:28:00.000+08:00

2007-03-12T00:13:00.000+08:00

You said it was nothing, you said you were confused then.

Now you say you know that I am the one. That you promise it'll never happen again.

But sometimes if you think about it, its more about meaning what you say than just saying it. Words mean nothing unless you really make them happen.

I don't know, perhaps you really are so busy till you are willing to sacrifice the relationship. Otherwise why is it, I don't feel the love from you anymore? That I don't seem to mean anything to you anymore.

My calls you don't pick up - perhaps your asleep. I don't blame you, but why won't you return my call? If you see a missed call from someone would you return the call when your free? Why won't you?

Do you know how much I care? Do you why I called? I called because I wanted to know if you were home safe and sound and that you'll be able to rest before your next camp begins.

I know you want to do as many camps as you can before your school term commences but do you realise how badly it pains me to see you so tired and haggard? The worst part of it all is, you don't tell me what is going on or how you are doing.

So since you don't tell, I'll ask. And when I do, all I get is just the dialing tone followed by the words, "Number Busy" on my cell. Then when I hold onto my phone all day waiting for you to return my call, you don't.

They say in a relationship, love is about giving and taking. Right now I feel that I am giving, too much perhaps.

I believe I never really did mention to you why I can't sleep at night. That's because between the time I close my eyes to the time I finally do get to sleep, all I think about is you. And then, I feel the pain, the hurt and the loneliness.

The only nights I do really get to sleep are those when we've somehow finally after days of absence get to meet up and catch up in the day. And sometimes even when we do meet up, you just lay in my arms and fall asleep.

As much as I adore how you look when you sleep soundly, hasn't it occurred to you that the time we have with each other is so limited? And that you are sleeping away the minutes, the seconds while I just look at you lying in my arms?

You mean so much to me and its that very same reason why it hurts me so much each time I see that picture. Until today, that very picture is still there even though you promised you'll get rid of it.

You know me, I'm a person who never likes to ask twice. And seeing that picture there sends all kinds of wrong signals to me.

I'm trying very hard to move on. But I need you. And unless you realize you need me in your life too, I don't think we can move on.

Then again, perhaps it'd be best if we go our separate ways?

2007-03-02T22:17:00.000+08:00

Marion Winans - I dont wanna know

( Mario Winans )Somebody said they saw you
The person you were kissing wasn't me
And I would never ask you
I just kept it to myself

[chorus]
I don't wanna know
If you're playin' me keep it on the low
Cause my heart can't take it anymore
And if you're creepin' please don't let it show
Oh baby, I don't wanna know

I think about it when I hold you
When lookin' in your eyes, I can't believe
I don't mean to know the truth
Baby, keep it to yourself

[chorus]
I don't wanna know
If you're playin' me keep it on the low
Cause my heart can't take it anymore
And if you're creepin' please don't let it show
Oh baby, I don't wanna know

Did he touch you better than me (touch you better than me)
Did he watch you fall asleep (watch you fall asleep)
Did you show him all those things that you used to do to me (baby)
If you’re better off that way ( better off that way )
All than I can say ( all that i can say )
Just go on and do your thing and don’t come back to me ( stay away from me )

[P. Diddy]
I don't need to know where your whereabouts or how your movin'
I know when you in the house or when your cruisin'
It’s been provin',my love you abusin'
I can't understand how a man got you choosin',
Undecided,I came and provided
My undivided,you came and denied it
Don't even try it,I know when you lyin'
Don't even do that,I know why you cryin'
I'm not applyin' no pressure,just want to let you know
That I don't wanna let you go and I don't wanna let you leave
Can't say I didn't let you breathe,gave you extra g’s
Put you in the SUV
You wanted ice,so I made you freeze
Made you hot like the West Indies
Now its time you invest in me
Cause if not, then it's best you leave, holla

(Mario Winans )
I don't wanna know
If you're playin' me,keep it on the low
Cause my heart can't take it anymore
And if you're creepin',please don't let it show
Oh baby, I don't wanna know
If you're playin' me,keep it on the low
Cause my heart can't take it anymore
And if you're creepin',please don't let it show
Oh baby, I don't wanna know...

I love you... And its that same reason why it hurts so much..

2007-01-13T00:21:00.000+08:00

So we got back together today. And I couldn't have been any happier.

But then something happened that kinda shocked me. She still had pictures of her and her previous bf in her wallet.

What's that suppose to mean?

Having been through 2 ugly relationships and breaking up coz of third parties, I cant help but feel unhappy about it. I tried not to let it show, but I don't know if she felt it.

Does she feel the same way about me as I do for her? I would really want to find out. But I just can't seem to find the right way to do it.

She said she forgot to clear them. And that she still loves me. But isn't forgetting kinda funny when we've been together for coming to 3 months?

I'm sorry... I cant help but feel this way. Maybe I'm paranoid? I don't know.

I suddenly find myself guarding my feelings again.

2007-01-07T16:37:00.000+08:00

I really need to let this out of my chest. Its been bothering me lately and I cant seem to concentrate on any other things. My friends have been lending me their shoulders and listening to my problems but I guess at some point, they'll grow tired of it. So here I am, back to my faithful blog - ranting.

Here goes, my most honest and deepest thoughts...

We got to know each other about a year ago. I messaged her at a website and we kinda started chatting from there and before long we progressed to msn and sms. I'll be honest, I was attracted to her right from the beginning. But at that point in time, she was attached and I wanted no part in being a third party - not that I had the ability anyways. But hell, I knew where to draw the line.

So we became friends, met up a few times at the park around our neighborhood and soon we began to share our life with each other. And that's where she brought up her troubling relationship to me.

Strike the iron while its hot right? Bad mouth the guy and win her over right? No.

I kinda stood up for the guy while at the same time, consoling her. I believe that it was just a simple case of misunderstanding between them. Being a guy, I thought maybe if I shed some light on how a guy would think, maybe she'd understand her guy better.

But things didn't really turn out the way I expected it to. They broke up soon after. And it was obvious that it was hurting her. To see the person whom you care for so much, hurt so badly really isn't easy.

I did what friends would do for each other. I stood by her, brought her out and kinda planned little surprises that I honestly hope would cheer her up. Having gone through 2 break ups, I guess I could tell how she was feeling.

Deep down inside, I really wanted to tell her how I felt and still feel about her. But I know at that point in time, it wasn't right. Moreover, I didn't want to be a rebound guy. I care for her I really do... But neither do I want to make the same mistakes I've made in my past relationships. So I waited and prayed to God. She's actually the first girl whom I've prayed to God for.

So we started going out more often, to the movies, to town, etc. Then one day, on her blog, she posted that she was starting to fall in love again. Honestly, when I read that, I was happy for her. I truly was - because she's finally able to walk out of the break up and move on. And of course, I wanted to know who that lucky guy was. My friends believed that it was me. But I chose to insist other wise. I didn't want to give myself false hopes and honestly, I didn't think she'd fall for someone like me.

So I begun to ask in a subtle way, who the guy was. Initially, she ignored my question. And I usually wouldn't ask more than once each time. I felt that if she's ready to tell, she would. And I prayed that, that person would be me.

Then on a faithful night, she smsed me, she said, what if the lucky person you were referring to was you? I stared at the sms and reread it over and over again. You could say, I should have saw it coming, but back then, I really didn't. I was so happy, I was jumping for joy.

I told her, that then I truly am very lucky. But at the same time I told her, we shouldn't rush and that we should just see how it goes. I hope you understand, I didn't want to be a rebound guy and after failing twice in my previous relationships, I REALLY wanted to make this one work.

I've spent my past months prior to getting to know her, reflecting on my past relationships. The mistakes I've made and how I could be a better man. I was ready to be fully committed.

So we started dating. I drew cards for her, she wrote letters for me, holding hands and stuff. The things couples do together. And I guess the people around me could really see the difference in me. From a person who used to be dark and depressed most of the time to someone who was radiating with joy and laughter, it was a stark difference.

Even my friends were saying that they would like to meet her. To see the person who could actually make me so happy.

I felt that she was truly the one for me. You could say that, that's what people always say when they are in love. But when I looked back at my previous relationships, I realized that my feelings for her are different. It was stronger, it was desire, it was what I've always been asking for.

To love someone and be loved. I treasured her and never took her for granted. I made it a point each time we went out, to tell her how much I love her. And I thanked God for sending this angel into my life. Sometimes I wish there were more than just those 3 words to tell her how much I love her.

She kinda lit up a fire in me that had long died out. She motivated me in the things I did, studies, gym, basketball - everything. And in everything I did, I found a reason for her. She was my pride, my joy and my only love.

Sadly, like every fairy tale story, adversity would arise. After being together for slightly more than a month, she suggested that we break up.

I was shocked. I didn't see it coming. Hell, I wasn't even expecting it.

She said, her parents were going through a divorce and that she wouldn't be happy being in a relationship - she didn't want to drag me down. She said that if there's one thing I should know, its that she still loves me and she's not leaving me for anyone else.

But I really don't understand. WHY?

Why is it that we have to break up? I'm not going to lie by saying I know what she was going through when I don't. But shouldn't couples go through trial and adversities together? I don't want to be a boyfriend whose there for her only during her happy moments and disappear when problems arise. I WANTED TO BE THERE FOR HER.

I tried to convince her otherwise but she held firm to her decision.

But I refuse to let it end like this. I told myself, I had to be strong, given that things in her home are quite messed up, I should be the pillar in her life for her to lean on. I want to be by her side through it all. Its my love for her that has kept me going.

Time past and the dust has pretty much settled, although the problem at home hasn't been solved. I held back each time whenever I wanted to ask her if we could get back together. But yet at the same time, I didn't want to add any more pressure onto her. So I held back and continued to do things for her. In eyes, she's still my one and only one.

And through it all, she still treats me as a friend. And it hurts. I know what I'm feeling now is nothing compared to what is going on in her life. But a guy has feelings too. I mean, sometimes I wonder if perhaps, she regretted going out with me from the beginning and somehow just didn't want to tell me the truth. Or perhaps, she feels that its best we be friends only. Then again, maybe there's someone else?

My mind's been a real mess lately. It conjures vivid imaginations during the day and unleashes torrents of nightmares and hopeful dreams in the night which leaves me mentally drained and tired the next day.

How I wish, at times, she'd reassure me that her love for me is still there. And she appreciates all that I'm doing for her. You'd be surprised how such little words of encouragement from a loved one can mean so much to you.

I truly hope and pray that at the end of this, we'd be able to walk out of it together - stronger than ever. And that the bond we share will last till the end of time.

2004-10-24T21:53:00.000+08:00

That Very First Day

There's been something I've wanted to tell...
When I first saw you- I fell.
Right now I'm still falling for you
And this feeling I'm feeling- feels so true.

Whenever you pass by with your sparkling eyes
I don't say a thing, ‘cause I'm just too shy.
You always smile when I walk by...
I say nothing but I just wanna die.

Been so many things I've wanted to say,
When I first saw you, that very first day...
I thought you were pretty, I thought you were fine.
All I wanted was for you to be mine.

You're the prettiest - over any other girl!
You're richer than diamond, or a pearl.
I just wanna spend time with you,
but my shyness always pulls me away.
Too scared to tell you how I feel, every single day.

Been to sacred to hear a "no" or "I just wanna be a friend,"
Because I really do want our hearts to blend.
These are some things I've wanted to say
Ever since we met... that very first day.

2004-10-24T21:42:00.000+08:00

Silence

I never asked for the sunshine
I never wanted the rain
I didn't ask for these feelings
And I never wanted this pain

I never asked for forever
I never wanted your lies
I never asked to be left with
These heart-wrenching cries
I didn't ask for the moon

I never wanted the air
I never asked you to love me
I never asked you to care

I never wanted to love you
I never wanted to fall
I never wanted to succumb
And give to you my all

I didn't ask for the world
Or for the heavens above
I never asked you for something
But I always longed for your love.

2004-10-24T21:33:00.000+08:00

Never Have I Seen A Girl

Who's beauty shines through the world
Who has the most beautiful, tender, gorgeous face
Who looks so good, she makes my heart race.
She has the prettiest, most sparkling, dazzling eyes
It'll make you think she's from some place high
An angel from above, you would think
I hope someday, our hearts will link.
Never have I seen a girl
Who's sweetness is known throughout my world
Who has the biggest, kindest, sweetest heart
Who is so great, I'd never want to part.
She's the nicest girl I've ever met
Makes me feel great, for sure, that's a bet
She picks me up when I'm falling down
Making sure I don't make a frown
Well, it's getting close to the time
To tell that girl I want her to be mine
SUPRISE! This nice girl is you
Oh I hope to hear,

"I like you too!"

2004-10-23T23:58:00.000+08:00

Introspect

After taking a look inside
I find I don't like what I see
A weak and tainted soul
This is no way to be
I try to find the faults
I try to blame you
But really this is all mine
And the things I do
I lost my golden wings
I lost my heartful crown
I lost everything beautiful
I let it all drown
I search deep down inside
To try to find what's true
But every time I hit a dead-end
It's because I already knew
This pain inside is mine
To hold and to deal
This poison inside is mine
It's my choice to heal
I'm sorry I blamed you
I couldn't see through the shade
I couldn't find the truth
Or see the mistakes I made
You may not like me
And I may not like you
But when this is all done
I want to see that we've made it through

2004-10-23T21:39:00.000+08:00

Silence

I never asked for the sunshine
I never wanted the rain
I didn't ask for these feelings
And I never wanted this pain
I never asked for forever

I never wanted your lies
I never asked to be left with
These heart-wrenching cries

I didn't ask for the moon
I never wanted the air
I never asked you to love me
I never asked you to care

I never wanted to love you
I never wanted to fall
I never wanted to succumb
And give to you my all

I didn't ask for the world
Or for the heavens above
I never asked you for something
But I always longed for your love.

2004-10-22T23:46:00.000+08:00

Lonely Traveler

Like a rose that's lost it's bloom
I wander this earth in eternal doom
My travels tell me love's not possible
In this world, a world so unhospitable
My scars scream at me night and day
Forcing me always to run away
The pain I hold deep inside
Just waits for time to bide
Following me until my very death
Even after that, I won't rest
This turmoil is too much to handle
In the end, it's me I dismantle
Is there anything beautiful left in this world?
Or is it just hate and anger together swirled?
So now you've seen I've gotten this far
Who knows what next is going to marr
I am self-destruction
Maybe it'll lead to reconstruction
As for now...
I am a lonely traveler as life's ship bow

2004-10-21T23:24:00.000+08:00

I Feel

I've been feeling like splitting open my body
Laying all the secrets before me
is there anything left here
something I didn't see?
I've been feeling so wasted
nothing shines here anymore
nothing grows here worth a damn
what are we fighting for?
I've been feeling like floating away
find the perfect cloud nine drug
to get away from it all
away from the grave the past has dug
I've been feeling like giving up
if there is a higher power,
please take me away
I didn't know life could turn so sour
I've been feeling like...nothing
just existing...never there
is it so wrong to just move
not to have the feelings shared
I've been feeling like...me
this is it, this is every day
in and out it never rests
only in death will it go away

2004-10-20T23:14:00.000+08:00

Fallen Angel

i can't reach heaven anymore
i don't know why i was there
i never had the grace of being your angel
i never had the comfort of being yours
my wings were ripped away
never can i soar above it all again
trapped down here among the hate
i don't know what love is anymore
a blender of all the pain
add my heart and soul in
fallen from your grace
fallen from your love
what have i left
what have i left worth living for
now i lay here cracked and broken
thrown away, misused and dirty
i never sold my soul
i never betrayed you
yet now this life of damnation i must live
until the end of my days...
I will forever be
your fallen angel

WELCOME!

2004-06-01T18:36:00.000+08:00

Feel free to make use of the stuff here.